Crafty In the Kitchen

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Esther’s writing prompt for this week is “crafty”. I could of course moan about the fact that I haven’t been crafting anything with polymer clay in at least a month. However, the reason that polymer clay is taking a back seat, is the fact that I’ve been crafty in many other ways. I mean, is cooking a craft? And if so, am I good enough at it to consider myself crafty in this respect? This is a question of skill and of self-esteem that I won’t go into right now. The main thing is that I’ve truly been enjoying being crafty in the kitchen.

Yesterday, a staff who’s almost as easily stressed as I am, was assigned to me for my two-hour activity time slot and I’d planned to cook. What’s more, I’d planned to create a crispy rice salad with tofu, lots of vegetables, a homemade dressing and of course fried rice. Oh my, was I scared! Thankfully, the staff admitted that so was she and this opened the door for both of us to remain calmer than we’d be if we hadn’t been open about our vulnerabilities. And guess what? The process went well and the salad was absolutely delish! The original recipe was for four servings and I didn’t have the guts to change anything, so I had quite a bit left when I’d consumed my meal. Thankfully, I knew this in advance so had asked a fellow resident who loves the cooking experience whether he’d like a serving too. He did and he liked it too. So did the staff I’d cooked it with. So now the three of us all had some extra, but that’s totally okay. By the way, MyFitnessPal was finally content with my protein intake and like I said I hadn’t even eaten meat.

I also love whipping up random food from things I still have left over from previous culinary endeavors. For example, on Tuesday, I made an avocado-chocolate mousse. I looked for coconut milk and cacao powder to go into it when at the supermarket with my best friend on Sunday. We didn’t find the cacao powder, but thankfully I still had enough in my cupboard. However, the recipe only called for 125ml of coconut milk for six servings and the smallest container was 200ml.

Until recently, I’d have thrown away the leftover coconut milk. I’m not saying I won’t do this anymore, as sometimes I totally forget that I have something left in the fridge. However, today I did remember and I whipped up what I’d planned to be a smoothie. I couldn’t find any recipe that I had all the ingredients for, but I experimented by adding frozen mango and the leftover coconut milk to my kitchen machine’s blender. What do you English-speaking people even call a multipurpose food processor/stand mixer/whatever? That’s the thing I have. Anyway, the mixture was way too thick to be a smoothie, but it was delicious as a mousse.

Experimenting does sometimes lead to less desirable results. This evening, for example, I tried to make a homemade chai latte, but my homemade chai mix probably has way too much black pepper in it. I still hope that’s not the problem, as I also added it to my overnight oats for tomorrow. However, I must say culinary craftiness does help me develop my sense of what I like and dislike and why. There I’m talking self-image after all.

Logging My Food

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. I’ve been tracking my food intake over the past week. I did this sporadically over the years when I was dieting (or trying to, that is). Now that I’ve been keeping a food log for a week, I’m getting an inkling of why I never kept my food log for any length of time: I’m not sure whether it’ll actually help me make healthier food choices.

That is, I’m pretty sure it won’t. Almost each day over the past week, the app I’m tracking my food intake in has been telling me that I consume more calories than I burn. It’s also telling me that I consume more fat and carbohydrates than I should and not enough protein. Yes, even on days when I eat meat and dairy. And I tend to choose low-fat dairy and the meal delivery service offers lean meats.

I’m not sure whether I want to continue logging my food intake, because on the one hand, yes, I want to be more conscious of what I shove into my mouth. On the other hand, I don’t want this to become an obsession, especially because it tends to lead to a pendulum effect. What I mean is I might like to know what I’m eating, but if the app keeps telling me it’s too much, I am probably going to decide to screw the entire thing after all and just start eating whatever the heck I want., I don’t want this to turn into another diet.

One thing that the app does help me with, is predict my weight gain or loss. Or at least, that’s what I hope it’ll do. For years, after all, I’ve been worrying that I experience unexplained weight loss. The reason is the fact that I quite easily maintain these days and even lost over 20kg over the years. I’m hoping that, if I do decide to follow through with MyFitnessPal, I’ll be able to see why I’m maintaining, losing or gaining. One worry that I never even thought of until I learned about protein though, is that I’m losing muscle mass.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 4, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this late Friday evening. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s nearly 10:30PM as I start typing this post, so no more coffee for me. If you’d like something to drink though, feel free to grab a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather, like I usually do. It’s been cloudy and rainy most of the week with daytime temps around 20°C. It’s also still pretty warm indoors.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’m still meeting my movement goal on my Apple Watch so far each day. Did I share that I finally got a perfect month again in August?

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you that I’m still going strong with the culinary activities. On Wednesday, I cooked a creamy pasta dish. The recipe was supposed to be vegan with a plant-based Parmesan cheese alternative and coconut milk in it instead of cream and actual cheese. I got quite stressed early in the week, feeling guilty that I’d de-veganized the meal by choosing to get regular Parm. I’m not a vegan myself, but I once again twisted my best friend’s yapping about veganism to be a personal attack. It wasn’t, for clarity’s sake! In fact, when she found out I had cooked the dish for my fellow residents as well, she said she’d have discouraged me from using vegan Parm since it can be quite disappointing taste-wise to those who are used to consuming real cheese. She also made it clear that I don’t need to justify my lifestyle choices to her. I apologized for having misinterpreted her activism as a personal attack. By the way, the meal was good.

Pasta

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I’ve been keeping a food log for the past few days in the MyFitnessPal app. I’m doing pretty well except that I’m finding it’s a struggle to get in enough protein on days that I’m not eating meat. I definitely need to research plant-based protein sources, since I’ve read on the Dutch Voedingscentrum (Food Center) site that it’s recommended to get 60% of your protein from plant-based sources. I’m also not getting in enough fiber or so the app says.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that, today, we had French fries and a snack in honor of a fellow resident’s birthday. I’d also eaten an apfelstrüdel in the afternoon, so I exceeded my daily calorie goal by over 300.

I had originally planned to create crispy rice salad this weekend, but the shredded cabbage I got from the supermarket yesterday would’ve needed to be used by Sunday. I ate it today as a side with my fries and snack, because I wasn’t sure it’d retain its full freshness until I could create the rice salad. Now my best friend wants to come by on Sunday anyway, so I’m now not sure whether I’ll be making the crispy rice salad tomorrow or will be postponing it until next week.

Initially, we’d agree to see each other tomorrow, since I needed to get my hair cut. However, this morning I thought I had a cold so canceled the hairdresser appt. My best friend then asked to meet on Sunday because that’s what we usually do. It turned out I don’t really have a cold (though it might be on its way) after all. I do have pretty nasty bowel cramps from the fat in the fries plus the cabbage though. Still not getting enough fiber according to the fitness app.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve been feeling rather upset about the lack of apparent progress on the moving front. It’s not necessarily that I wish I could move sooner, but that I’m afraid the higher-ups are doing things behind my back that I have no say in and that this means they won’t care about where I’ll be moving.

If we were having coffee, I’d end with a photo of this evening’s sky at sunset. It’s now past 11:30PM and I’m going off to bed, I think.

Sunset

#WeekendCoffeeShare (August 28, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone! I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare once again. It’s nearly 11PM, so I’m hoping I can finish this post before midnight. I don’t think I even want water anymore before going to bed, but if you’d like a cup of something to drink, feel free to and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been all over the place. Early in the week, we had cool nights during which the temperature dropped to 7°C. Yesterday was hot again with a daytime temp of 29°C. We got thunderstorms last night and it’s been raining all day today.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I met my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day except for today so far. Now I’m in doubt as to which option is the lesser of two evils: not meeting my movement goal or not finishing this post before midnight. Neither is truly disastrous, of course, but both cause me some autistic error.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, yesterday, I rode the side-by-side bike to Deventer with a staff. We visited the market, where I bought olives mostly because the vendor was trying to be friendly. I know it’s a selling tactic but I don’t care. Heck, he even suggested he’d see me tomorrow (today) at the other market I frequent. I told him not to get his hopes up.

We also ate lunch and then rode the bike to the town center for Ekoplaza, a health food store. I was looking for silken tofu, but it was in the fridge and I had to cycle nearly half an hour back to the institution, so I decided that wouldn’t be a good idea. Then I bought several other things that I later realized I should’ve bought at the regular supermarket because they were horribly expensive at Ekoplaza. Oh well.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I finally bought myself a food processor. I’m not entirely sure I like the particular model I got, mostly because it has a lot of gadgets I thought I could use but may not be able to after all and it lacks attachments I wish it had. For example, I full on thought it had a grinder attachment but it didn’t. That either means chopping my onions myself or investing in another part (thankfully, the grinder is available as an attachment for this model).

Tomorrow, I’ll find out whether the thing actually does the job it was originally intended for, because I’m going to make a vegan and gluten-free cake that the mixture for needs to be processed. I’m a little saddened that my best friend doesn’t feel well so isn’t going to come by on Sunday. If it turns out good though, I will make it another time for her.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you I did enjoy a dinner prep activity again on Wednesday. I cooked something that was called a curry on the Good Food website but it was more like a bean stew. It had kidney beans, tomato, onions, garlic and ginger in it, in addition to coriander stalks. The coriander leaves were supposed to be used on top of the curry, but the staff forgot those. The weather outside was really nice that evening, so I ate my meal at my outside table.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that it’s probably supposed to be this way but I just found out that another person I recently became friends with is a vegan. We met through a peer support group and for a while used to talk mostly about our issues, but today I shared about my Ekoplaza adventure and this got us chatting plant-based food. If there’s a higher power, it’s probably telling me I should go vegan too. Then again, my best friend already told me jokingly that I’m a changeling (referring to a former online nickname) for not fancying pizza tonight.

I Don’t Do Diets

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Recently I’ve been thinking about the dietary choices I’ve been making over the years. The reason was the recent argument with my best friend over the tuna salad and the fact that I’d said I’d try to cook just vegan when preparing meals for myself. The thing is, I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out. In that sense, she was right that I’d lied.

This signifies a common theme with my life choices: I full-on intend to follow a particular lifestyle, try it for a short while than abandon the entire thing and do whatever the heck I like. I try to avoid this pitfall this time. I’m already happy that I’m still making an effort to be aware of what I shove into my mouth and its impact on my health, animals and the environment. In that sense, it’s progress, not perfection and that’s totally okay with me. I will probably never be a vegan, after all.

The same happened when I was dieting to lose weight. I hated the strict food plan the dietitian gave me, tried it for a short time (even shorter than my vegan experiment) only to give up on it. Thankfully, I was able to negotiate a middle path with the dietitian and I’m doing the same with myself about eating plant-based. )For clarity’s sake: it wasn’t like my best friend was trying to convert me to veganism, so in this sense it’s only myself I have to be accountable to.) In other words, I’m not eating whatever the heck I fancy at any given moment, but I’m not pushing myself to stick to any diet or eating preference. That’s just going to backfire, after all.

Tomorrow, by the way, I’m cooking a vegan curry yet again. Not with chickpeas this time. I love trying out many different foods and learning about their impact. For this reason, I also actually like my best friend’s yapping about veganism.

This post was written for #FOWC with the prompt of “Dieting” and for #RDP with the prompt word of “Whatever”.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (August 21, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I just had my last cup of coffee for the day. I drank it out of my 40th birthday mug. That is, one of my two 40th birthday mugs, the one with the unicorn. I also had a slice of homemade cake with it. There’s still some cake left. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. Was it seriously blazing hot last week? Now the daytime temperature barely gets above 20°C and it’s been raining most of the week. I tell myself it’s good for nature and at least it’s better than the tropical temps we used to have.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that I’m still going strong with my movement goal on my Apple Watch. Yesterday I just about met it because it had been raining all day. I did try to do some stretching and other non-cardio exercise yesterday and today. Boy, does one of the probably rather weak muscles in my upper arm hurt now!

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I did several culinary activities again over the week. On Wednesday, I made another vegan curry. I forgot to take a picture, but it was very tasty.

Yesterday, a staff wanted to make overnight oats because it’s in my day schedule. That day schedule is one thing that needs to be looked at before I move, but that’s a topic for another post. Let’s just say activity-based planning doesn’t work the way I’d envisioned it. Anyway, I said I wanted to make homemade granola. I pulled out a recipe, but didn’t know that there were annoying ads in the way that made it hard for the staff to read the recipe. Plus, this staff rarely cooks or bakes. Thankfully, another staff was able to step in, though it took me having a meltdown and the first staff restraining me before this happened. I finally did make the granola.

The staff apparently got interested, because today when he was assigned to me again and it was too rainy to go outside, he proposed to do a baking activity. We went into the storage room to look for ingredients and asked a more culinary savvy staff for advice. That’s how we got to baking the aforementioned cake. The original recipe called for vanilla, but we didn’t have that on hand, so I improvised and added cinnamon instead. The cake was good, though it was a little too dry for my liking.

If we were having coffee, I’d also tell you that I’ve been hyperfocusing on more fancy things to cook and bake too. For example, earlier in the week or maybe it was last week when making the vegan mango mousse, I found a recipe for a vegan and gluten-free cake. Yesterday, a staff tried to order the ingredients so that I could bake it tomorrow, but the online grocery store the care home orders from didn’t have most of what we needed. That led to a drive to the next town (like I said, it was raining all day, so no bike ride) for the needed ingredients.

Then of course I already baked a cake today. Besides, the one I originally wanted to make tomorrow could best be prepared in a food processor and I still don’t have one. I thought of ordering one yesterday, because Bol delivers the next day, but the day center which serves as the institution’s package collection point was closed today. For this reason, I decided to postpone baking the fancy cake. Thankfully, all ingredients have a long shelf life.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that there’s no progress on the moving front yet. I met with the behavior specialist again on Monday to discuss some concerns. This was a good meeting. Mainly, she reassured me that I’m not required to accept whatever new place the bureaucrats decide will be suitable. Like, obviously I can’t turn down a place because of a minor detail (I always jokingly use the color of the carpet as an example), but so far all the criteria I’ve specified sound reasonable to her.

Testing, Testing… In So Many Ways…

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m once again joining in with Esther’s writing prompt. The word this week is “test”. I could, like I’ve done so many times, rant about the use and misuse of testing in education and care. I mean, everyone who’s followed my blog for some time knows about the nearly thirty-year-old, horribly flawed IQ score still in my care plan today. However, I recently saw the housing profile that will be used in finding me a more suitable place and it thankfully never mentions my IQ.

There are, of course, many other meanings to the word “test”. It could refer to something new you’re trying. For example, today I cooked a cabbage and mashed potato dish. It was the first time I cooked something with mashed potatoes (or boiled potatoes in general, for that matter). When I mashed the cabbage/potato mixture, it sounded horribly soggy, so I almost threw out the entire pot. Thankfully, a staff convinced me to let it sit and see if I and/or my fellow residents would like it regardless. Turns out that, though the texture was too smooth for my liking, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d expected.

On Monday, I also took out my AirPods to test if they still worked. My best friend had cleaned them several months ago and I was too impatient to let them properly dry. Turns out my right earbud was ruined, though the left one still works. I have been using headphones ever since, but don’t particularly like the feel of headphones on my ears. I do have earbuds, but cannot use those to make phone calls.

This got me thinking of finally buying new AirPods. Browsing the Apple Store online sent me down a rabbit hole of thinking I might want to buy a Macbook again. I had one for about six months in 2019, but struggled to get used to it. The thing is though, I bought that one without researching it properly first because my previous Windows laptop had been near-dead for several months and health insurance wouldn’t pay for me to get JAWS for Windows. JAWS at the time didn’t have a subscription plan, so I’d have to pay like €1000 for just a screen reader. That didn’t make sense to me, so I spent this money on a new Macbook. Six months later, insurance changed its mind and I couldn’t wait to buy a Windows laptop again. I sold my Macbook to my then mother-in-law. Now that my Windows laptop is still working and, besides, I do get annual JAWS upgrades, I have more time to actually orient myself before making a choice.

My best friend was a bit worried when I mentioned the idea of buying a Macbook, because well she doesn’t want me to get overly stressed about it like I was in 2019. That being said, Windows has near-weekly updates that change things around, so I’m more used to adjusting to changes in my tech than I was back then. We’ll see where this goes…

Gratitude List (July 28, 2026) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I used to participate in the Ten Things of Thankful blog hop regularly, but since the original blog on which it was hosted was abandoned in favor of a number of individual hosts’ blogs, I struggled to find it and, when I did, was often too late to join in. Now I’m still on time (though barely) and would like to share my gratefuls. It feels odd doing this on a Tuesday, but oh well. I’m doing this post in the classic editor because I struggle with lists in the block editor.

1. I’m grateful for my best friend. As regular readers of this blog know, the past year or two has seen a lot of change in our relationship, in that we used to be married. The divorce isn’t completely final yet, but that should happen this week or the next. I’m grateful though that, despite no longer being a couple, we still call each other almost daily and see each other several times a month.

2. I’m grateful for banana bread. I baked a vegan version last Saturday and my best friend and I got a small slice of banana bread (also vegan I believe) with our coffees at a coffee shop in Deventer last Sunday. I think the coffee shop one was better, though my own banana bread was also much better than all the other versions I’d baked before.

3. I’m grateful I was able to use up the leftover almond milk from the banana bread before it expired. I needed only 75ml for the banana bread and had a 1l container. I used the rest for smoothies today.

4. I’m grateful both of my smoothies turned out good. One was an espresso-based smoothie and the other, I just made using whatever I thought of: frozen mangoes, almond milk of course, chia seeds and a bit of honey.

5. I’m grateful for a tiny bit of crafty inspiration again. I started on some polymer clay earrings again yesterday.

6. I’m grateful all ingredients for the pasta I’m going to make for myself and my fellow residents tomorrow did arrive. The institution’s grocery service can be hit or miss, but this time, everything came in.

7. I’m grateful for good weather. Tomorrow’s supposed to be hot and it’s still horribly dry, but oh well.

8. I’m grateful for a new denim skirt. I’d never worn denim skirts before, but it’s nice. Also grateful for my size. As regular readers might know, I used to be obese. Since I’m also short, it’s hard enough finding fitting clothes in my size now that I’m at a (nearly) healthy weight, but it used to be near impossible unless I wanted horribly baggy sweaters and pants.

9. I’m grateful a staff braided my hair yesterday. Too bad I didn’t take a selfie.

10. I’m grateful for sleep. It’s been a struggle lately, but I do appreciate all the rest I can get.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (June 6, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. I just had my evening coffee and will probably take a break from writing this post to have my soft drink and chips at 8PM. Feel free to grab a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been less hot and more humid than it used to be. The daytime temperatures this week were often around 18°C and it’s been rainy. We also had quite a few thunderstorms. I’m not liking the rain and still sweating as it’s still warmer than I’d like (is this perimenopause hitting?), but I tell myself this weather’s more normal climate-wise.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I reached a perfect month with respect to my movement ring on my Apple Watch in May. So far, I’m still meeting my goal each day, though it’s been challenging with the rain. I didn’t complete my monthly challenge for May, by the way.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’m still struggling with my care situation and whether it’ll actually work here or not. The behavior specialist did reassure me that they can’t kick me out even if it turns out this place can’t provide the care I need.

I was worried about being kicked out after I had several more incidents in which staff used excessive force and I was quite blunt that I won’t have to put up with it. The meeting with the care confidante has been scheduled for the 16th. The substitute behavior specialist will be gone by then and the regular one will have the meeting with us. She can be a bit, well, challenging. This caused me to feel scared that, if I put my foot down that I won’t have to deal with force unless absolutely necessary to prevent/avert serious problems, she’s going to turn it into a battle around care refusal. I had this experience before. Let’s hope the meeting goes as well as possible.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I did have some positive experiences this past week. On Monday, my staff and I decided to take pictures on our walk on grounds. I ran them through the image description tool built into JAWS and it was really good.





On Thursday, the same staff offered to help me create a soft pastel drawing using one of my unicorn templates. I hung it onto my bathroom door, but unfortunately it crinkled when I opened the door too many times, so I removed the drawing. I did snap a picture though.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I cooked dinner twice this week. On Wednesday, I cooked minced meat, rice and vegetables for just myself. I didn’t really enjoy it, because I’d gotten it in my head that the mince was infected with prion-borne disease. My wife, who is a vegan, isn’t the right person to comfort me in this respect (though she did try), but she is the right person to advise me on how to cut back on animal products and eat more healthfully in general.

I decided to cook a vegetarian pasta dish this Saturday. On Wednesday, I had to make a grocery list for it and I decided kind of impulsively to cook the dish for my side of the home. I cooked orzo with spinach and tomatoes. I initially thought I wouldn’t like it (don’t ask me why I picked it then), but I did and so did my fellow residents!

I just ran the photo of this dish through the image description tool and I’m not as content with the description this time.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that the final meeting with the divorce mediator will be on Tuesday. I’m struggling quite a bit with the reality of my wife and I divorcing. I mean, I try to tell myself we’ll remain best friends, but I can’t just shut down my anxious attachment style.

Besides, the behavior specialist does seriously wonder whether I’m in the right care home. I did tell her that, if it turns out it’s in my best interest to move again, I don’t want to be handed over like a parcel, like I was when I left Raalte and when I came here. This does have me consider several factors involved in potential new care homes, including the distance from my best friend. Like, if the most appropriate care home for me is across the country, does this mean I’ll be all alone there? It’s all quite complicated and stressful.

Divorced Woman Laughing…

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m still struggling quite a bit with all sorts of things related to my care. Haven’t heard back from the client confidante yet and it looks like either way my staff, including my support coordinator and assigned staff, don’t care. All I can do right now is power through and make the most of my day.

My wife and I had a meeting with the mediator on our divorce today. We are 100% in agreement about what we want, so it’s really an easy process for the mediator. That’s what she actually quite literally said. My wife joked on our way out that for once we’re the easier ones. We literally left the building laughing.

This is my main positive for the day. I can’t stand it that my staff all seem to assume the divorce is a major stressor in my life. I understand why, since most have probably gone through a break-up and none have been institutionalized. However, I’ve probably explained dozens of times that my best friend and the complicating factors involved with our friendship (like the divorce) are the least of my worries at the moment.

I did ask the client confidante about my daily records and whether there are guidelines on what to write in them and not to write in them. The reason is the fact that, at least once (admittedly a while ago), my then assigned staff almost word for word wrote out an argument with my wife I’d told her about. On the other hand, staff are extremely cautious where it comes to reporting on issues I’ve had with them or their coworkers. They don’t use names at all, which I can sort of understand, but they also go to great lengths to make it sound like I was always the bad one in the interaction. For example, I’ve seen staff report that I was “being rude” or “twisting their words” without elaborating on what they and I said. The reason said staff wrote out the argument I’d had with my wife, she said, was that she worried I might be stressed about it later on. Then for goodness’ sake write out the interactions I do say stress me out! But they won’t, because they don’t want to make their coworkers look bad… so they choose to throw me and my best friend under the bus instead.

After the mediation meeting, my wife and I went to Burger King to grab a vegan burger. It was good. All the while, we kept calling each other “participant A” (my wife) and “participant B” (me), since those are our formal titles on the agreement (thankfully the mediator uses our first names most of the time). At the next meeting, we’ll sign the agreement. It will probably take a while after that for our divorce to be registered. In that sense, the title of this post is a little misleading, but I like it this way.