#WeekendCoffeeShare (October 16, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last touched the blog, sadly. I somehow couldn’t get motivated. Today though, I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s 9:30PM as I start typing this post and I’ll probably go to bed right after finishing it. Will check out my fellow coffee share bloggers tomorrow.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s still been insanely warm for this time of year. Yesterday, the daytime temp even reached 20°C. We thankfully did get some rain.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you I have my first proper cold of the year. Yes, the year, not the season. It’s no fun, but I’m intensely grateful I’ve avoided it so far. I mainly have a nasty cough and a little sniff. Of course, I’m a little tired too, but it’s nothing compared to the probable COVID I had a little over a year ago.

If we were having coffee, I’d share I’m still meeting my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day. Not my exercise goal, as some days, I can’t or don’t want to go for a longer walk and the side-by-side bike was taken in for repairs last week. I guess I did break it when I had that meltdown on the bike a few weeks ago after all, though it wasn’t solely my responsibility, since the fact that staff denied the problem and kept using the bike most likely didn’t do it any good.

If we were having coffee, I’d share I am still undecided as to whether my food processor thingy was worth the money. I’m leaning towards regretting having chosen this one, but not having had any other one, I can’t know whether it’s this brand or food processors just aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

I did cook a meal using it last week as well as this past Wednesday. Last week, after we figured out how to attach the accessory for blending my sauce, it did a great job. I cooked a pasta dish with roasted bell peppers.

This week, I used the same add-on to chop some garlic and ginger and blend it into a curry paste, but it turned out the care home’s cheap immersion blender did a better job finishing the process than my food processor. I’m not sure whether I somehow broke the equipment or whether it’s just no use for this particular job. I must say my piece of ginger was quite large. Either way, my curry was good after all.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, today, I finally managed to play some with polymer clay again. Nothing fancy, just a simple Christmas ornament and something I might turn into a pendant later on, but it was fun.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that I’m struggling intensely with worries about the future, particularly relating to my need to move again. Last week, I found out that it’s unlikely my current care agency will be able to support me, in that their current homes aren’t suitable for me. They have one place that’s currently being developed that the behavior specialist said they’re still looking into. That place would be ideal in terms of distance to my best friend, so I inquired about how seriously this place is being considered, given that it won’t be opened until May of 2027 or maybe even later. No response to that. Then yesterday I found out that somehow it’s been decided that the independent client supporter will take over applying to new places rather than my care agency’s placement person. I asked them whether this means the place I was told about last week isn’t an option after all. No response so far.

I’m struggling with this especially because I’m more and more convinced that there won’t be a suitable place for me anyway. I mean, there’s no doubt there are places in which staff are more able to cope with challenging behavior, but how they choose to cope with it likely won’t be helping me. Like, my last home was officially much more equipped to deal with challenging behavior, but they ended up treating me like trash.

It doesn’t help that, on Monday, a staff who has known me from my previous home and is now a regular substitute staff here, claimed I did much better at my last home and during the first year I was here. This honestly has me feeling that what staff see as me doing well is almost entirely contradictory to how I see it. After all, even though it may not look like it from my blog, my day-to-day quality of life is better than it was three or four years ago.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 11, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s already past 10PM, but I want to write a #WeekendCoffeeShare post today. I’ve had all my drinks for the day. The staff struggled a bit to understand the type of tea I want, ie. green tea “without the hassle”. I’ve also had all my food for the day. Can you believe pecans are seriously 173 calories for 25 grams? Anyway, no more coffee, tea or snacks for me, but feel free to grab a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. On Monday, the daytime temperature reached 29°C, but for the rest of the week, it’s been less warm. Some people are complaining about the rain, but I’m not.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you I’m still meeting my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day. Yes, even on Wednesday, when it was rainy all day and I was busy cooking my crispy rice salad that I mentioned yesterday. Yesterday, I had fun riding the side-by-side bike for a bit.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the overnight oats I mentioned yesterday turned out okay, but I maintain that there’s too much black pepper in my chai mix. Oh, and now I’m kicking myself for not having taken a photo.

If we were having coffee, I’d admit that I’ve been spending quite a bit of money on food lately. I don’t mind though, as I can afford it and I now consider cooking and other food preparation a hobby. I also think that if I spend my own money on the food, I might be more conscious not to waste it. Mind you, I still get the institution to buy most of my dinner food, because well if I cook for myself, it means one less meal they need to pay for at the meal delivery service.

Speaking of cooking (and spending!), I am considering buying myself a talking kitchen scale. There are truly expensive ones that directly talk to you (and by expensive I mean like €200) and there are cheaper ones that connect to an iPhone app. Some of the app-based ones are like €50, which I know is still more expensive than a regular scale. Besides, if I buy one of those and the app turns out not to be accessible, that’d be worse than spending €200 on a working scale. However, today I received an ad in my E-mail inbox for an app-based scale for which the app is fully designed with VoiceOver accessibility in mind. It’s still €85, so I’m not yet buying the thing.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that, as you can probably tell, I did spend some money on something else today, ie. my blog. I decided on a whim to see whether the domain name astridblogs.com is still free and it is. Or was. I must say it wasn’t entirely an impulsive decision, since I’ve been considering getting a more “typical” domain name for a while. I’m retaining my original domain name, of course.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d tell you that the client supporter contacted me today. I’d E-mailed her nearly two weeks ago, but apparently she had been quite busy. She has been giving me recommendations of places I might want to apply to, which I’ve been passing on to my care team. I did finally feel comfortable enough to share the doubts I’d had about one of the places she’d suggested. It’s on the Dutch Bible Belt. Even though the institution itself is no longer Christian, the town is and I don’t want to feel like I need to go back into the closet in order to feel safe there. Thankfully, I’ve already told my care team about this and that this place is definitely not high up on my list of places I want to be transferred to. Thankfully, there are still other options.

I do still feel sad at the reality of my needing to move. This feeling is even worse now that I’ve had a number of pretty good days. I’m for sure having everything crossed that the move won’t be yet another horrible choice.

July 2026 In Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means it’s time for my monthly recap. July was most of all a hot month weather-wise. It had its highs and lows, but wasn’t as eventful as May or June had been. I consider that an okay thing.

The first half of the month was an uncertain time. I learned in mid-June that I was going to be moving out of this care home, but wasn’t sure of the details. I mean, for all I knew, I could be kicked out to a crisis unit or onto the streets.

It didn’t help that my aggressive behavior got a bit worse in early July. I had another major incident on July 10, in which among other things I told a staff she’d be facing a complaint. I never followed through, because she backed down with her restraint quite quickly. Later, I was told that the way the situation escalated would’ve in fact warranted me being restrained. I’m not entirely sure how much my support coordinator, who told me this, knew about the order of events, because well cause and effect were reversed: I spiraled out of control after the staff tried to restrain me, not the other way around. This particular staff has quite a harsh support approach, so I maintain that it need not have escalated into a restraint-worthy situation.

I will finally have a meeting to discuss my Care and Force Act plan on August 10. My support coordinator will be off work then, but the behavior specialist will attend, as will an independent client confidante. I will hopefully be able to make it crystal clear then that restraint is not a way to de-escalate a situation for me nor is it something that’ll teach me a lesson. Rather, its purpose is solely to keep me from causing significant harm to myself or others.

On July 16, I finally met with the behavior specialist, team leader and my support coordinator and assigned staff to discuss my moving out of this care home. It turned out that there are no plans of single-handedly terminating my care. As I read my housing profile, which will be sent on to the care finding people, I did realize that for some staff, the situation is however rather urgent. It isn’t like this surprises me, but it does kind of contradict the rather fluffy letter I received from the behavior specialist on July 16.

Today, I received a phone call from independent client support. The agency the substitute behavior specialist had recommended, didn’t feel like they could help me, but the one with the client confidante on involuntary care did. I was happy to find out that the same client supporter I’d spoken with several years ago regarding my move from the intensive support home to my current care home, was able to pick up my case.

In other news, today my now ex-wife and I received the letter that our divorce has been finalized. This means we’ll probably soon be talking selling the house. Otherwise, it doesn’t change much.

Over the month of July, I did engage in a few crafty and culinary activities. On Wednesday, I cooked the absolute blandest pasta pesto ever. I cooked it for my fellow residents too, but was so underwhelmed with the result myself that I didn’t even care to ask whether the others liked it. This did motivate me to learn more about the details of cooking beyond blindly following recipes.

First Steps in Finding a (Truly This Time, I hope) Suitable Care Home

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a full week since I last wrote a post on this blog. This week has indeed been full. Not necessarily in that anything spectacular happened, but I’ve been hyperfocusing on the home-finding thing.

This is one reason I finally changed my tagline. I’d been annoyed at my old one for years, but could never think of a more appropriate one. Looking back, it should’ve been easy.

So here I am chronicling my complicated care-finding process. I have been looking up various options online and talking to people on Facebook. Specialist client support hasn’t contacted me yet even though they said they would do so this week. Here’s hoping they’ll contact me on Monday or Tuesday.

I haven’t spoken to the team leader or behavior specialist either. My trust is at a very low point and I’m half expecting this to go exactly like it went with my last several moves: not hearing anything for months until the powers-that-be have found a place they think they can send me to. Staff are saying I’ll have a meeting with the behavior specialist and team leader “shortly”, but they for whatever reason aren’t allowed to tell me when. One staff eventually said it’s on the 16th, but my trust is so low after all the comments that I’m not allowed to know etc., that I’m thinking he may’ve made it up to shut me up.

In the meantime, I am looking at possible new places to transfer to. I don’t want to end up in general psychiatric care again and doubt general homes for people with physical disability, vision impairment or brain injury can cope with my behavior. There are places for people with a combination of impairments, but these aren’t widespread. Like I said last week, staying in this area is no longer a top priority for me, but it’s definitely still on my list of things I hope for.

One thing that scares me, is the fact that I have a long history of being too complicated for one place yet not qualifying for another due to my needs not being (perceived as) significant enough. For example, when I lived independently, I kept being told that I “am not crazy enough” for a psychiatric admission, yet once admitted, I had to lie my way out of the locked unit because the open units couldn’t meet my actual needs. Similarly, I’m quite scared that I’m not severe enough for the complex care units and yet I know for sure that regular care homes won’t meet my needs, in that in those, you either have a physical disability or you have significant mental health or behavioral problems.

There is exactly one home in the entire country, if I’m correct, for people who are both visually impaired and autistic. Then again, I doubt it’s either of those disabilities that causes me the most significant problems. I think, and so did the substitute behavior specialist, that it’s my brain injury. Then again, thinking this creates another catch-22, in that my brain injury was the reason my autism diagnosis was at one point removed, yet I didn’t qualify for an acquired brain injury diagnosis either because I had my brain bleed and hydrocephalus in infancy. That’s how I ended up with borderline and dependent personality disorder diagnoses, neither of which truly explains my actual needs.

I can only hope that, in the nine years since I was kicked out of the psychiatric hospital because no place wanted me, I have accumulated enough evidence for my genuine needs that I can at least get sufficient funding. Then the next step is finding a home that will use the funding to meet my needs.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 4, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s nearly 10PM as I start typing this post and I’ll soon need to brush my teeth, but I’ll finish this post before going off to bed. I just had my cup of green tea. If you’d like something to drink either hot or cold, feel free to and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. The heatwave has thankfully ended and we now usually have daytime highs of about 24°C, sometimes even cooler. It’s been quite windy and occasionally rainy too, so I’ve actually even been wearing my jeans again.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, obviously, I didn’t meet my June monthly challenge goal on my Apple Watch and I didn’t get the perfect month award. So far in July, I’m still meeting my movement goal each day, but I’m not expecting to make it to a perfect month this time either.

I did ride the side-by-side bike to the next town’s market again yesterday. It had been months since I visited the market, but the guy behind the olive stall did recognize me.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you all that I celebrated my birthday at the care home on Wednesday. It was a bit difficult. I’d had big plans for baking two cheesecakes and making a pasta bake for the entire home (20 residents). The cheesecakes were a success, but during the pasta bake preparation process, there were some bumps in the road. However, in the end both were delicious! Yes, even the fellow resident who always complains about food being too spicy, loved my pasta arrabbiata bake. I’d made it once before but had then deseeded the peppers. Not this time.

Caramel cheesecake
Pasta bake

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’ve also been quite crafty recently, particularly early in the week. I crafted two small butterflies out of polymer clay (using a mold), to be turned into earrings later. When my one-on-one for the moment saw my other molds, she wanted to use a bigger butterfly mold that I hadn’t used in years. She proposed to use multiple colors in a marbling technique and chose eight all very different colors, including both yellow and purple. I know a little about color theory and said yellow mixed with purple becomes a horrible brownish color. My staff said that, if the butterfly turned brownish, she’d take it home and display it on her fridge. I ended up giving it to her regardless, but it didn’t turn ugly! I do take the credit for being careful not to overmix the colors, though in hindsight I might’ve undermixed them for the effect she wanted.

Polymer clay butterfly

If we were having coffee, I’d share that this crafty endeavor made me decide to order several other small earring molds. My sister had gifted me a voucher for one of my favorite clay supplies shops and I spent it on molds, cutters and also two new colors of acrylic paint. One of the paints was named sorbet and I had absolutely no idea what color that’s supposed to be. I now realize I could’ve had AI describe the image on the website, but I ordered the color and only discovered that it’s a kind of pink once it arrived.

If we were having coffee, I’d finally share that specialized client support contacted the behavior specialist and they’re now going to get back to me. When I found out they wanted to talk to the behavior specialist, I feared my care agency was going to hijack the entire process. I’m still not convinced that they aren’t, particularly since finding out yesterday that the team leader had informed the staff that I’m leaving before I’d even gotten a clear idea of the consequences of the meeting with the substitute behavior specialist in which she’d posed the question whether I’m in the right place here. It doesn’t help that staff are making all kinds of assumptions about what kind of place would be better suited to me and what I find most important. The truth is, my main requirement is that a future placement’s team, including higher-ups, truly wants to understand and accommodate my needs. I don’t want to have to move again in two or three years.

Care Needs to Be Suitable

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Yesterday, I came across a post on Facebook advising people who are feeling that the care they get doesn’t suit them. The basic point was care has to suit the client, not the other way around. In other words, as a client, you do not need to make yourself fit into the mold people caring for you have created.

I have struggled with this idea forever. In my case, there is an additional layer of complexity that the poster didn’t experience, in that not getting care isn’t an option for me. As such, if a care agency gives me the choice between consenting to whatever they want and being kicked out, it’s pretty much no choice. At least, in 2008, when the psych hospital gave me the choice between consenting to seclusion or discharge, they pretty much weren’t giving me a choice. Now, that “pretty much” doesn’t even apply, in that I’d be literally homeless without the institution. In this sense, my former staff who told me I’m easily replaceable, was right. It’s not like my staff would be unemployed without me, but I would be homeless without them.

This reality, however, has kept me silent far too long. Just because staff mean well and feel powerless themselves in the face of a complex case like me, doesn’t mean everything they do is justifiable or in my best interest.

Yesterday, I decided to apply for specialist client support. I used regular client support before and this is how the Center for Consultation and Expertise thing got started, but it’s been over eighteen months since I was in touch with this organization and it looks like I need more intisive, long-term help. I put on the application form that I’m struggling in multiple ways at my current care home.

The outcome may or may not be yet another move. I don’t want to decide either way yet, as I know that if I decide I want to stay here, it’ll likely mean having to put up with the current care situation, because my staff are at the end of their tethers. However, being that there simply aren’t enough people with my combination of needs in the Netherlands to form a home, I doubt any truly suitable place exists. This means that a care home, including the responsible higher-ups, has to full on agree that they want to and are able to adapt to meet my needs. That’s what I asked the behavior specialist responsible for this home at the time when I was put onto the waiting list to be placed here too, but apparently she wasn’t listening.

All I can hope for is that, with the help of the specialist client supporter, I can avoid this becoming yet another hopeless situation in which I’ll be involuntarily shoved down another home’s figurative throat and that home in turn will be shoved down my throat.