The Most Important Life Lesson

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today Sadje asks us in her Sunday Poser to share life lessons we’ve learned. I was pretty sure I’d done a post on the most important lesson I’d learned in life some years ago, so went to look and indeed, I wrote about this topic in 2018. Wow, how time has flown!

And it doesn’t surprise me that, when I read Sadje’s question, my initial thought was to share the exact same lesson I shared back then: that it’s important to stay true to yourself. Today though, I’m going to make it even bolder: I am the most important person in my life. That sounds selfish, right? But guess what? Each of us is the most important person in our own life. You can’t live for anyone else, by which I mean no-one else can make you happy. No, not even when you think that someone else does; it’s still your understanding of their love or acceptance that makes you happy.

To word it even more bluntly, if everyone thinks of themself first, no-one will be forgotten. This doesn’t mean we need to be going against moral sensibility or harming other people just because we want it. After all, harming others isn’t in our own best interest in the long run either.

By saying that no-one else can make us happy, I also didn’t mean we don’t need connections. However, no-one else can live our life for us.

I also want to share what learning this life lesson has helped me with since 2018. I still struggle with everyday decisions, but I attribute this to the fact that I often get overwhelmed with them.

I am happy to report that, since indeed landing in a less than supportive environment (ie. the intensive support home) in 2022, I was able to stand up for what I needed. I’m now back in quite a supportive place, but I’m glad I’m still able to advocate for myself. This doesn’t mean that the thought that everyone will ultimately abandon me if I’m myself, is gone. It’s worse than ever, in fact. I still need to work on the idea that, even if they do, that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

Friday Feels (December 6, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Debbie for Friday Feels, in which we’re asked three questions about our week and tasked with finding an F word to describe it. My post isn’t nearly as upbeat as Deb’s, but oh well.

F Word

My F word for this week has to be “fatigue”. Like I said last week, I was sick with a nasty cold. Well, I’m pretty sure it was COVID judging from how exhausted I was all week. I’m finally feeling mostly okay today.

What Made Me Happy?

There aren’t many things that made me especially happy this week, but I am glad to report my mental health hasn’t suffered significantly from a week in bed. In fact, I’ve had many crafting and writing ideas float through my mind and, this time, I was actually able to transform some to blog posts. I’m not yet there with respect to the crafting.

That being said, getting my new craft supplies that I’d ordered last week, did make me smile. I had forgotten how many things I’d ordered, but there are literally nine new colors of Premo polymer clay in the package, as well as a few really cool cutters (among which a 5mm heart) and a new silkscreen. I hope I can figure out a way to use the tiny cutter, as I’d love to decorate my next unicorn with a heart.

What Made Me Sad?

Being in bed. That is, I didn’t really have the energy to feel sad, but negative thoughts did creep up on me at times. Like I said above, however, my overall mental health hasn’t gone down significantly.

What Made a Difference?

My feeling optimistic about recovering from this nasty cold/COVID thing. Don’t get me wrong, I by no means believe that a positive attitude cures viral infections, but my not wallowing too much in frustration, helped prevent my mental health from spiraling down.

Comparing Myself to Others as an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’ve reflected on the Enneagram as it relates to me several times before. I often use Enneagram-based journaling prompts for this. Today, a prompt that was designed for those who are type One, the “Perfectionist”, spoke to me. I’m not a One, but, as a Four, I gravitate to type One when in a good mental state. The prompt was how I judge myself and whether I compare myself with others.

Since the prompt resonated with me, I decided to look at the prompts designed for type Fours. There, I found one that asked me who I compare myself to.

I am by no means an expert on the Enneagram, but the first prompt made me think of comparing myself in order to judge and maybe boost my achievements. In other words, if someone else can do something, I should be able to do it too. The prompt for type Fours, on the other hand, made me think of comparison as the beginning stage of envy. In other words, if someone else appears to have or be something I am not or don’t have, I wonder: “Why not me?!” Or worse yet: “Why them?!”

I think that comparing yourself to others can be healthy, when it is done in a constructive way. I’m not saying that Ones’ way of comparing themselves to others, is always healthy. After all, comparing your achievements to others’ can lead to self-defeating beliefs too. In other words, if someone else can do something you can’t, you may be just as likely to fall into the trap of wondering “why not me?” as I am when someone seems to have an “ideal” life.

For me, indeed, comparing my achievements to those of others, sometimes leads to low self-esteem. However, it can also lead to self-motivation. Sometimes I see the possibilities and use this to inspire my own creativity, while at other times, I see that others are “better” and end up wallowing in self-limiting beliefs. This is the fundamental difference, I think, between the question aimed at type One and the question for type Four: Ones are asked how they compare themselves to others, whereas Fours are asked who they compare themselves with. I, as a Four, often end up feeling bad when comparing myself with others. When I, however, let go of the “who” in the comparison, it doesn’t mean I won’t feel disappointed in myself, but chances are higher that I won’t see it as a personal flaw. And no, this is not a way of saying Ones are better than Fours, though of course as quite an unhealthy Four, I feel this way a lot. I’m saying that, when I let go of the “who” when comparing myself with others and instead focus on the “what” of other people’s achievements, I can use this as inspiration for my own personal development.

Gratitude List (December 1, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s nearly 11PM as I write this. I feel motivated to write, but can’t really think of a lot to write about. However, a gratitude list is always good. I’m joining in with #TToT. It’s been forever! Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for this past week.

1. Inspiration to craft. I mentioned this yesterday too and have been claying again today. I also have many ideas floating around in my head.

2. A visit to a nearby market again. I got fried calamares at the fish stand. I also bought spicy olives.

3. The pasta salad with tuna we had yesterday. And the fact that it wasn’t used as an extra but as the main meal.

4. Sleep. I’ve been sleeping a lot over the past few days. Not always at night, but who cares?

5. Warm clothes. I’m nursing a cold, like I said yesterday, and, though I don’t have a fever, I do feel more comfy wearing warm clothes.

6. The fact that I managed to talk out a recent issue with a staff today. She tried to assign me a temp worker on Friday even though there were other options. It turned out she hadn’t fully understood the agreement.

7. The fact that I now feel at least a tiny bit comfortable with the new staff. With the latest addition to the team, I struggled a bit, but we had a good time on Thursday.

8. My mental state. I’m still experiencing anxiety on a daily basis, but it’s a lot less severe than it used to be.

9. Motivation to write. Like I said yesterday, this is a sign that my mood is improving.

10. The fact that I no longer live independently. I was reminded of the fact that I’m intensely grateful for this again this evening when my spouse called me because of stress related to our house. I feel a bit guilty for not being able to help, but at the same time I’m so glad I no longer have this responsibility, because when I did, it didn’t mean less stress for my spouse and it did mean significantly more stress for me.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 30, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this last day of November. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. I just had my last cup of coffee for the day, with a treat of the Dutch typical St. Nicholas candy mix “strooigoed”. I’d have loved to pass you some, but ate the whole bag myself. I’m just comforting myself that the amount wasn’t nearly what I used to consume during a binge. Anyway, let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. A serious storm passed by here on Wednesday. It was the first major storm in nearly a year and a half or so I read on the news. That surprised me, since it wasn’t even a year ago that a staff from one of the intensive support homes died while riding the side-by-side bike with a client. Then again, the most severe winds aren’t in this province and therefore maybe near the coast people are less likely to go out in stormy weather.

Anyway, during the remainder of the week, it hasn’t rained and sometimes even the sun came out for a bit. Daytime temperatures have been around 8°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d say that I’m doing pretty well this week. I consider the fact that this is my fourth blog post of the week, a positive sign of my improved mental health. I really hope it continues.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I have a nasty cold. This morning, I spent most of the time in bed because I was feeling so miserable. No fever, thankfully, but in my case even a cold can knock me down for a few days.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I’ve been quite crafty over the week. On Tuesday, I created a polymer clay pig for a staff who will celebrate 25 years of working for this care agency on Monday. And just so you know, she was the one constantly asking me if I could create a pig; it isn’t like I think a pig is especially suited to her.

Polymer Clay Pig

On Thursday, I crafted yet another polymer clay unicorn, this one for a new staff, who is into unicorns as much as I am. I tried adding flower-shaped wings to it, but this wasn’t a success, since during the curing process, one of the wings fell slightly down the back of the unicorn and got distorted in the process. No photo, sorry, since I threw the thing into the bin.

Then today, I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to mix a polymer clay color. Not sure what I’ll do with it.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I didn’t do Black Friday shopping this year. That is, I did purchase some new clay supplies yesterday, but they weren’t on sale as far as I could tell.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that we had pasta salad with tuna for dinner today. I had originally planned to make it with a staff, but since I don’t want everyone else to catch my cold, the staff ended up making it himself. He initially wanted to offer everyone a bit as a side dish with our regular meal, but I countered that we have enough to use it as a meal. My plan had been that we’d have a tasty meal for once rather than the mediocre meal service food. Besides, we get treats more often than I want to think of. See my point about the St. Nicholas treat: it wasn’t a binge, but it was more than my food plan says I can have and I’m not even on a weight loss diet.

Things I Appreciate About My Current Care Home and the Care I Get

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I tend to lean towards pessimism about life in general and my care is no exception. However, I do feel that there are definitely positives about my current care home and the care I get. This evening, I’m struggling a bit with mistrust. It’s sometimes hard to realize that my staff truly want the best for me, but they do. For this reason, I’m using this post as an opportunity to share the things I appreciate about my care home and the care I receive.

1. My room. When moving here from the intensive support home, I was cautioned that my living space would be much smaller here. It is, but this I see as a positive rather than a negative. I only have one room as opposed to a separate living room and bedroom, but this means I can actually find all my belongings in one place. My room is large enough for all my stuff and this was something I hadn’t expected.

2. The lawn/yard adjacent to my room. I have a little terrace that I have a table and two chairs on, as well as a large lawn. I share it with the resident in the room next door, but she doesn’t use it at all.

3. The fact that I could choose the color for one of my walls. Okay, they didn’t have my favorite color, lilac, but I can’t see it anyway and my spouse, who can, thinks pink is much better.

4. My one-on-one support. It’s not perfect, but it’s as good as can be given the current circumstances. I have enough time for day activities.

5. The fact that staff don’t push me to be more independent than I can be. I had a pretty bad experience with this at the intensive support home. For example, staff would ask me why I was independent enough to climb over my fence during an outburst but not independent enough to tell the shampoo and shower gel apart when showering. As if these two are in any way similar! And even if they were, I’m autistic and struggle massively with executive dysfunction, as well as my energy level varying significantly from day to day.

6. The fact that the female support coordinator makes most decisions for me rather than the male one even though she is actually responsible for the other side of the home. I have had some issues with the male one, who isn’t the most socially adept, and I’m so glad they were able to make a working arrangement.

7. The fact that I get female staff for my personal care all the time. I’ve always made it very clear that I don’t feel comfortable with males helping me with this. However, at the intensive support home, I was often told I either could accept the male staff or figure out a way to do said task independently, even when there were female staff available.

8. The fact that staff have agreed not to assign me unfamiliar temp workers unless absolutely necessary. At least, that’s how most staff have explained it to me. The male support coordinator corrected me when I said I’m happy that as a general rule I won’t get unfamiliar temp workers, so now I’m not sure whether I was too optimistic. It’s still early days too, but I’m trying to be grateful.

9. My two assigned staff. Both are female, one being in her sixties and quite experienced and the other a young student staff who however has a lot of knowledge. They both have my best interest in mind.

10. My signaling plan. A signaling plan is a plan that details the various phases of alertness or emotional stability in order for everyone to help the client prevent emotional outbursts or other states of over- or under-alertness. My support coordinator at the intensive support home had herself changed mine without my knowledge or consent. Thankfully, I was able to retrieve the one I had in Raalte and we were able to build a new plan based off that.

11. The fact that, if I have concerns, I can E-mail my assigned staff and support coordinator and they’ll take my concerns seriously.

12. The fact that my fellow clients are a lot less disruptive than the ones at the intensive support home. I still experience overload from the sounds my fellow residents make at times, but it’s manageable.

13. The fact that I won’t be kicked out of here. I’m not entirely convinced of this yet – no, scratch that, I’m not convinced of it at all -, but at least so far my staff are saying they’re happy I’m here.

I’m linking this post up with Thursday Thirteen.

Tapering My Meds… in 2034?

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! One of this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompts is to write a post based on the word “medications”. I will probably have another med review with the intellectual disability physician in a few weeks. The aim for me has always been to taper my medications. This will probably take until 2034 and this time my use of the year 2034 is only partially a joke. After all, when I said that “everything will be okay in 2034” and explained to the physician that I always say “2034” when I mean “never” (because of the fact that the book by this title is about World War III), the doctor didn’t understand the joke. She actually seriously said that I’ll be on the right med regimen by 2034.

Like I said, I’ll have another meeting with her to discuss tapering my meds in a few weeks I think. Although I’d really love to decrease my medication dosage sooner rather than later, I do realize that I’ve been struggling more than usual lately. I haven’t shared about this on the blog much, but over the past several weeks, I’ve had emotional outbursts almost every evening. Part of the reason is the fact that there were quite a few temp workers assigned to me. Thankfully, as of yesterday, it was agreed that the staff will no longer send unfamiliar temp workers to me. I am very happy about this.

However, I am also concerned that the temp workers might just be the reason my already irritable brain chose to act out. In other words, it could definitely have been the case that my latest med taper wasn’t all that sensible. For this reason, I have pretty much made up my mind that I will not take another step until January or so. That way, I’ll be able to give the new agreement about no unfamiliar temp workers a fair chance. All I can hope for is that, if I tell the physician I want a break, it won’t end up being an end to it all.

After all, I do still experience significant side effects from my medication, like what I think could be a movement side effect from my antipsychotic (significant tremors and twitches) and I don’t want this to end up being permanent. This is another reason I don’t want to seriously wait for 2034 to be off my antipsychotic. By 2034, I’ll be 48 and that’s too young for crippling movement disorders.

Regrets

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Yesterday, Sadje asked in her Sunday Poser what regrets we have about not doing, being or having something in our life.

I could share that I regret not having finished college or not having lived independently longer, but I don’t. I mean, I know my “choice” to land in the psych ward caused me to be practically abandoned by my family of origin, but I wouldn’t have my spouse now if I hadn’t gotten myself admitted. In fact, I might not have been here to write about regrets, as I was actively suicidal at the time. You could argue that I wouldn’t have died anyway. Even if death weren’t the result of my continuing to muddle through, I would have more than likely caused irreversible damage to the relationships that matter. I honestly, after all, can’t believe my parents wouldn’t have abandoned me if I’d spiraled more seriously out of control. And I’m pretty sure, like I said, that my now spouse, whom I’d just met, wouldn’t have stuck by me then either.

This doesn’t mean there isn’t a voice in me that wishes I’d done some things differently. However, as long as I live, there’s always a moment to do things differently now. For instance, if I really wish I’d finished college, I could always enroll into an Open University program.

Likewise, I do sometimes wonder whether I could’ve been more independent if this or that about my life had been different. Then again, if I really want to be more independent, I can take steps, no matter how small, to achieve it. The proverbial deep end doesn’t work for me, since that was what I got when living independently and going to university. However, I can always take steps towards improving my life.

I, as many of you know, do regret having moved out of Raalte and into the intensive support home. That, now, I see as a lesson: I want to stay here at my current home, because even if it isn’t perfect, the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. Like one of my staff sometimes says, some places don’t even have grass.

I’m linking up with Senior Salon Pit Stop #338.

Flash Fiction: Don’t Forget the Veg…

Posted on by Astrid

As Joel looked through the kitchen cupboard this evening, what he saw could best be described as “organized chaos”. Oh wait, no, it wasn’t even organized. Just chaos. Like his life.

Joel hated cooking, cleaning and budgeting, but he had to since being leftt to fend for himself at barely sixteen. His mother had abandoned him and his two younger siblings. He had a side job that he went to after school, but money was tight.

Thankfully, he was inventive. Joel managed to whip up a meal for the three of them tonight. It was just pasta, ketchup and kohlrabi, but with an added multivitamin for all of them, this had to do. Besides, no-one could accuse him of forgetting the veg…

This little piece of flash fiction was written for this week’s Friday Fictioneers. I had the image described through my screen reader’s image description option.

The pasta, kohlrabi and ketchup meal was invented by my partner one day when we were spending a Sunday together and every supermarket was closed. We joke that it’s the most delicious meal I’ve ever had.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 16, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s nearly 9PM, so no coffee for me. I might make myself a cup of bedtime tea once I’m done with this post (or rather, have the staff make it for me). There’s of course always water too. Let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. We’re still having an unusually mild fall season, with daytime temperatures at or around 10°C all week. We were supposed to get rain today, but I haven’t felt any.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m still struggling, but not as much as I was last week. On Tuesday, I spoke with my support coordinator and explained why I felt the Center for Consultation and Expertise may be able to help. She didn’t really respond, but I’m hoping she’ll take things up with the higher-ups.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you I’ve been learning more about autism and ways to support myself and for my staff to support me. There’s this support method called The Essential 5 in English. It was originally developed here in the Netherlands by Colette de Bruin and here has the catchy name “Geef me de 5” (which translates to high-five in English). I hadn’t ever remembered the essential five correctly, but they’re ways in which one’s activity should be structured: What, When, Where, Who and How. If there’s no “What”, as in my day schedule’s “alone time” or even during my supported activities (because I have to choose one on the spot), how can the other four be clear? This is something I struggle with a lot, as now with the shifts assigned to my day schedule, the “Who” is often too rigidly clear but there’s still no “What”.

I listened to a podcast episode by Geef me de 5 on empty time and autism and had a staff listen to it with me too. It was very eye-opening.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, on Tuesday, I went to me and my spouse’s house for my spouse’s birthday. We also stopped by Ikea and my in-laws’ house. We originally wanted to order pizza or fries, but both the pizza place and the snack corner were closed. My spouse eventually put fries into the Airfryer.

I also took a few things from our house back with me to the institution. First were a number of mounted rubber stamps I used to use for card making. I’m not 100% sure what to do with them now, particularly since most have old ink on/in them, but, if I can clean them, I can re-use them for stamping on polymer clay.

Then I also took a jewelry box with me that contained a number of rings, bracelets and necklaces. One of them was the ring with an amethyst in it that was passed down to me from my late grandma. Unfortunately, that one, as well as most other rings, are too big for me.

If we were having coffee, I’d share I have a ton of creative ideas floating around in my mind, but struggle to get to actually starting any of them. For example, I want to start making my own jewelry again, particularly bracelets and necklaces. I am still in doubt as to whether earrings are suited for me at all, as sooner or later I’ll almost inevitably develop an itch from them.

Anyway, I remember how I used to enjoy making jewelry and I think that with my current day schedule and staff, I should be able to pick the hobby up again.

So far, I did create one polymer clay pendant. I think I like it quite a lot, but still need to sand it before I can actually use it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share a nutrition and exercise update. I saw the dietitian on Wednesday and endured the mandatory talk about all the opportunities to snack and get treats during the holiday season. Quite frankly, if I’m in the mood for snacking, I don’t care whether there’s a festive reason for it. I’m also happy to report I’m still on target weight-wise and intend to keep it this way.

However, I haven’t been all that physically active over the past week. I did meet my goals on my Apple Watch, but things could’ve been better. On Thursday, I had an opportunity to go swimming, but I felt too tired. I now remember that I was supposed to do my physical therapy exercises this afternoon but forgot. Going to do those now!